


and it's not a cry that you hear at night

by brookethenerd



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 08:32:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8972194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookethenerd/pseuds/brookethenerd
Summary: Philip's reaction to his mother's death (aka everyone trying to comfort him)





	

When something bad happens, there is always a moment before you find out. The moment when everything is still the way it is. The moment before you know is a moment yearned for, desperately, and a moment impossible to go back to.

Philip’s moment is less than 12 hours after Ryan Kane is killed.

Lukas is discharged from the hospital, and taken back to his house with Bo. Helen and Gabe go home, bringing an exhausted Philip with them.

He’s only just stepped in the door when he remembers. Helen and Gabe are in the kitchen, pulling things out to make breakfast, and Philip is standing in the doorway.

“I need to go see my mom.” He says.

Helen and Gabe look over at him, and their faces just _fall_. Like they’re marionette dolls whose strings have just been clipped.

“I need to go see her. Please.” He says.

Helen’s lips part, and her hand comes to rest in a fist on her chest, right where her heart is. She doesn’t break away from Philip’s gaze, though. She holds it, and he can see it in her eyes. He just _knows_. That ache in his belly-the one of wrong, the one he’s felt since before Kane died-wasn’t about Kane at all.

Part of him just knew. Part of him knew that she was gone. Part of him knew she had gone somewhere he couldn’t follow.

And he couldn’t save her.

“Please take me to see her.” Philip says softly, throat closing up. He already knows such a thing is impossible, but until Helen says the words, there’s a chance it isn’t true.

“Ryan, he-“

“No.” Philip says, shaking his head. His jaw is clenched so tight he’s sure he’s going to break a tooth, but he doesn’t care.

“She didn’t make it.” Gabe says.

“Please.” He whimpers, grabbing onto the doorway to keep him steady. The floor is shifting beneath him, the world starting to spin.

“Tell me what happened.” Philip says, his voice sounding muffled. His heart is banging against his ribs, pounding in his ears, trying to escape, trying to run as far away as possible. Philip wants to run with it.

“He killed her.” Helen says. Gabe winces, as if it pains him to hear it.

_He killed her._

His mom. With her thick tumbling hair, her calm voice. With her small smile, her thin frame.

She is wrapping him in a hug, pressing hundreds of kisses to his face. Promising she’s going to get better. Philip laying with his head in her lip, the smell of cigarette smoke falling to meet his nose.

His mom.

_He killed her._

The words don’t make sense, not when his mother is the subject. But they’re true, and he knows that, because he can see the devastation in both Helen and Gabe.

And then he runs. Because there isnt anything else to do, and Philip has always been good at running. He’s had to be, growing up the way he did.

He runs.

-

Bo isnt happy about Lukas being up and about so soon, but the minute Helen tells him what happened to Anne, Lukas gets to his feet and slips his shoes on and heads for the door. Maybe because he overhead Helen on the phone, orr maybe because he’s tired, or maybe because of something else altogether, his father doesn’t stop him.

“ _I don’t think he wants to talk to us right now. If there’s anyone he wants, it’ll be you.”_ Gabe said.

 _“Take care of my boy.”_ Helen said.

Lukas doesn’t know why he goes o the cabin first. It isnt the first place he would go, but this isnt him. This is Philip.

Sure enough, he finds him sitting against the wood slats outside, head ducked, fingers tugging at his hair, knees drawn to his chest. He doesn’t move, or make a noise; not even when Lukas sits down beside him.

Lukas’ heart breaks just looking at him. He knows this pain, he’s felt it before. And he wants to take it away from Philip. He doesn’t ever want him to hurt.

“When my dad told me that my mom died, I went out the front door and just started running. It was the only way I could stop thinking about it. I just ran and ran for miles, until my feet were all bloody, and I couldn’t stand anymore. I fell in the middle of some old gravel road, and scraped my knees and hands up. When my dad found me, I wouldn’t go with him. I wouldn’t even look at him. Because the only person I wanted was her.” Lukas says softly, his throat clogging with tears. His voice breaks on the last word, but neither he nor Philip acknowledge it.

“Some days I still miss her so much it-it hurts. And I feel like I’m all alone.” He says. He clears his throat, blinking the tears away.

“But you,” His breath catches, and a tear rolls down his cheek, “you are not alone.”

“You aren’t alone, Philip. You have Gabe, and Helen, and they love you. And you’ve got me. And I-I love you.” He says softly. Philip lifts his head, and looks at Lukas. And god, his eyes are so sad.

Philip’s brows furrow, and Lukas can see how tightly he’s clenching his teeth. He’s holding himself together so tight, trying not to let any of it out. Lukas recognizes it. Lukas also knows that you have to feel the pain. You have to let it slam you onto the concrete before you can climb back to your feet.

“You’re not alone.” Lukas says.

And this is what breaks him.

Philip, who has always been the strong one, breaks. A sob bursts through his lips, and Lukas reaches out, pulling him into his arms. He tucks Philip’s head into his chest, wrapping his arms around him, pulling him close. He ducks his head, pressing his lips to Philip’s hair, closing his eyes.

For a long time, he just cries. He clings to Lukas like a lifeboat, and Lukas holds him to keep him from drowning. He holds him, and holds him, and holds him.

“I want to go see Helen.” Philip whispers, long after his tears have dried, as the sun starts to set. Lukas lifts his head, and nods. Philip gets to his feet, eyes on the dirt, waiting for Lukas to get up.

Lukas holds out a hand, and for a minute, he doesn’t think Philip is going to take it.

But he does. He threads their fingers together, and starts walking. One step after the other.

-

Helen and Gabe are sitting at the table when they come inside. Philip lets go of Lukas’ hand, and lifts his eyes to his.

“Lukas, if you’d like to stay here tonight, you can.” Helen says. Lukas looks to Philip for permission, and when Philip gives a small nod, he tells her okay.

“I’ll meet you upstairs, okay?” Lukas asks. Philip nods again. Then Lukas heads for the stairs, leaving Philip in the doorway. Helen and Gabe get to their feet, and for a moment, Philip hesitates. He rocks back on his feet, taking a deep breath.

Then he walks over to Helen, and wraps his arms around her. He buries his face in her neck, and she quickly hugs him back. Philip shakes against her, not quite crying, but something close. He thinks he’s out of tears, at least for now.

“My boy.” Helen murmurs softly, rubbing his back. She pulls back, looking into his red-rimmed eyes.

“It will stop hurting. It seems like this big, immovable thing now. It seems like it’s going to break you. But it won’t. It’ll start to get better. I promise.” She says. Philip nods, and steps back.

“When does it stop?”

“I don’t know, baby. It takes time. But you’ve got us, and we will never leave you. You have people left.” She says. Philip presses his lips together, and nods. Helen smiles sadly, and places her hand on his cheek for a moment.

“Get some sleep.” She says.

“Thank you.” Philip says once he’s reached the door, looking back at them.

Then he climbs the stairs, and curls up in Lukas’ arms, the blankets forming a cocoon around them.

And it hurts, it hurts so badly Philip feels like he can’t breathe. But he chooses to believe Helen and Lucas when they say it’s going to get better.

Because he has time. And he has people. And he is loved.

For now, that is more than enough.


End file.
